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London, December 2009.
Andy, (who’s very good on relationships) always said I was going through a power struggle with my guy. I argued against her (in my infinate wisdom) and I argued if there is a power struggle, I hold the power.
Ha ha! Now I realise that was my downfall in relationship.
I have come to realise we are all complex personalities, and a power struggle is complex too. It has many facets.
When I read Alexander Lowen‘s character types and when I read about the rigid character, I thought, “Oh my God, this is me”! This is the girl who has had her heart broken and will not risk it again. She is generally promiscuous. She will open her legs, but not her heart. Or her heart, but not her legs.
So I have many, dear, platonic male friends. What I want is both. I want both passion and Love. Desire for my partner, and that feeling of intimacy.
Ha ha! For me to achieve that, I have to open up, emotionally and sexually. Now for me, this is hard. When I open up emtionally, I feel vulnerable and I want him to feel the same way, feel the same as me. If I’m not sure that he does, I retreat into sexuality, because that’s where I feel powerful. An attempt to combat my emotional vulnerability by asserting my sexual prowess and turning sexual intimacy into an emotional battleground.
But Love is about giving and receiving. Love is not an and/or equation between emotional involvement and sexual involvement. Instead of trying to manipulate him to get what I want (emotionally) I just have to relinquish control and start Loving the guy!
Andy is right, I’m caught up in a power struggle, but I’m in a power struggle with myself!
Note to self: Let go to Love.
♥Ali.
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Andy always said I was going through a power struggle with my guy. I argued against her... I see it like test driving a car. The guy says, well before I buy (commit) I want a test drive (shag) to see what I'm buying (committing to)...More Diary Entries
Power Struggle
December 15, 2009
Test driving the car.
August 3, 2009
Thank you Ali!
We love your open frank admissions of your mis-steps in discovering your First Love. The learning process you describe is invaluable. Your courage in writing about your own heart and mind so openly are commendable becasue you have extended your love to the world, made yourself more vulnerable out of a sincere passion to help others heal themselves as you have done.
Thank you so much. That is so kind of you, Ali.